Sometimes, we all have toddler tantrums
There is something truly, painfully beautiful about watching a toddler have a full blown temper tantrum. The size of their feelings compared to how little they are. How unreachable they are to reason. How determined and strong.
As I watched my own toddler last week, trying desperately to put two halves of a banana back together, I couldn’t believe there could be so much emotion about something that seemed to me, so small. The banana had broken in two. It didn’t seem like a big deal.
In reality, it was a big deal. It was a big deal for all sorts of reasons, and reasons that I understand. She had wanted to eat a whole banana, I had broken it. I’ve felt in my life that lack of control over things that are important to you. When those things happen, I feel those big emotions bubble to the surface and I know what works for me to bring myself back to calm (regulate my emotions) or I might call someone I care about and tell them and they will help me calm down (co-regulate with them). But, in reality, I still have times where I feel those big emotions bubble for whatever reason and those things don’t work, and you might just see me throw my parking ticket on the ground.
Our little ones are still learning, and I can’t help but think, if I still feel tantrums coming on when I’m almost 40, we need to just be there for them while they learn.
So what can we do? The reality is that little people can’t self regulate. They don’t have the brain capacity or skill to bring themselves back into a calm state. So all we have left is co-regulation.
It can be hard to co-regulate a tiny person if you are feeling upset yourself. In fact, it can be impossible. We’ve all been there too, when the everything keeps going up, but everything must come back down (Peter Levine says that exact thing in his book ‘Trauma Through A Child’s Eyes).
If we can, it’s worth taking a moment, and doing whatever we need to for us to be calm. From us being calm we can go back in and support that little brain to come back down as well.
I hope this finds you smiling
Caz x